Thursday, 18 February 2010
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Asperger Syndrome and Depression
I'm finding it hard to think of a way to introduce this, because it's such an important topic to get right. How is Asperger Syndrome (or any other autistic spectrum disorder for that matter) possibly going to lead to Depression ? Are there any genetics that would explain the link ?
I'm not going to talk about genetics, or environmental factors, or anything scientific. I'm going to go right ahead and talk about...me. That makes me sound very obnoxious but I am trying to make a point here, so I'm going to tell my story - of depression and constant absence from school.
5 years ago I started feeling different to everybody else. I acted in an almost completely different way to my very few friends, of whom I only ever saw at school - no sleep overs like anybody else...but friends they were friends nevertheless. School became a trauma for me. I'd lock myself in the toilet the night before school and beg my dad not to make me go, and often I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I would just lie there in bed: crying.
About 4 years ago I started feeling very sad and depressed. Why am I so different ? Am I a wizard like in Harry Potter ? Will someone tell me that it's all a joke and everything really is OK ? Sometimes I really would hope, but it never happened. I never met Albus Dumbledore, Professor McGongonagall or Hagrid. So I had to carry on - carry on living in a lonely and strange world, with nobody for me to relate to. It was me...against the world.
I remember one night, locking myself in the bathroom, and in my desperation having to resort to self injury. I had done it before but had never been so conscious of what I was doing. It was school the next day, I hadn't done the homework, what do I do ? There's nothing. You will have to go in and 'bite the bullet' so to speak. This realization made the urge to hurt myself so much stronger.
I was sad to leave my primary school (RPS for legal reasons), but very excited to go to secondary school. Year 7. I whole new era. I was going to the top school in the county, a technology college. Nothing could be better. I knew so many people that had failed the test to enter the school and I had passed. I felt so proud.
My time at CTC didn't last. By the end of year 8 I was at another school. I just couldn't keep up with everything. The uniform was uncomfortable; getting a seat in the cafeteria was so much of a trauma I didn't go to breakfast or lunch at school for 6 months; nobody liked me; I couldn't make any friends; nothing was working. I just had to go, and start at another school. CTC didn't feel right to me.
For the first couple of weeks, at my new secondary school, everything felt perfect. It didn't take long for me to get put into the high level section of school for all of my lessons - my targets all went up to level 6 and 7 (equivalent to a grade B and A). Things were going great.
For some reason, though, people started to try avoiding me (and eventually they started bullying me). To them I was just some annoying, hyperactive, geeky weirdo. I don't want to go into too much detail or the length of this post would just be ridiculous.
Eventually (around 3 years ago) I started feeling very depressed, and suicidal. I had to find an online support group for people with depression to find some help, nobody else seemed to understand me like my friends online did. They all urged me to see a doctor - over and over again, so eventually I did. This led to a diagnoses of Depression. It took about 2 months to get the diagnoses and when I did I started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (changing the thought process). After 6 months of therapy, my mood had not improved - so I went onto medication.
The medication didn't help either, and after a suicide attempt I was admitted to a mental hospital for a few weeks. While I was in hospital...they increased my medication. This time it really has helped. I feel so much better.
The help came too late, though. It's nobody's fault. But my arms, legs and shoulders are covered in scars from the self injury of which took place while I was severely depressed.
In Semptember of 2009, my sister mentioned Asperger Syndrome to me. Her friend runs a charity for the families of someone who has a relative with Asperger Syndrome, and she herself has a son with Asperger Syndrome. N (for legal reasons - my sister) noticed the symptoms in me and gave me a book entitled 'Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome'. Reading this I really could relate and I saw a lot of things of which applied to me. A few weeks later...I got diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.
Since the diagnoses things have improved drastically. It may be too late for me, because a lot of my education has been lost, but it is vital that Autistic Spectrum Disorders are diagnosed at a young age. If not there are a large amount of complications that can arise. Personally for me:- My arms and legs will be scarred forever
- I have no social life and no friends
- I have suffered with a lot of sensory issues without knowing what was wrong
- I attempted suicide and could have been successful
- I missed one year of school, and am only just in education now
Maybe I was unfortunate...but I have heard of other cases similar to this. This post is very poorly written, and I apologize for that. I'm not even 100% sure of it's purpose.
Is there a link between depression and Asperger Syndrome ? I think so... -
Childish Ways
While I know that a teenager can be considered a child...I can't help but feel I am slightly immature for a teenager at the age of 15.
Today, it snowed. Everyone is annoyed with it, everyone wants it to go - except me, that is. Every day I check the Met Office website (http://www.metoffice.gov.uk) and as soon as I see a weather warning for snow I get a strange fascination with the weather. Everyone must know. I must talk to people about if it's going to snow...and I won't stop until I'm asleep.
This behavior reminds me of a 10 year old, spending all day playing in the snow (but I play by myself). Sure, maybe this is normal for the average 15 year old, but everyone I know seems to just 'hang around' in the snow: whereas I spend the day making snowballs; snow angels and catching snowflakes on my tongue. It's so fun.
Is this normal for someone with Asperger Syndrome? Is it normal for a 15 (soon to be 16) year old ? Is it normal ?
I do want to blame this on the AS...because otherwise I am just immature. I know that people with Asperger Syndrome can have the maturity of someone 5 years of age below themselves but does this count ? Could the obsession side of Asperger's have something to do with it ?
I find it strange, the way that Asperger Syndrome works. How is it possible for me to have above average intelligence for someone in my age group but below average level of sensibility ?
I thank you in anticipation for some answers.
Monday, 15 February 2010
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Why I chose the Autism Ribbon
I often get criticized for using an image that can be linked to autism speaks - not by a lot of people, but by most other people with autism that I know. Today, in my first post at the Autisable website...I want to make it clear why I use the autism awareness ribbon.
Firstly, as I do want to raise awareness of autism, I thought it would be fitting to use a ribbon to do just that (albeit it my website URL). It wasn't until people started mentioning the somewhat controversial (to them) choice of display picture/avatar, that I started thinking about what the image actually represents.
So here is the reason I am continuing to use the Autism Awareness Ribbon now: to me it represents how I feel about myself. I find myself puzzling and confusing. I often have no idea of who I am or what I am doing...so it just feels right. Also, the colours used represent the creativity people with Asperger Syndrome and other Autistic Spectrum Disorders sometimes have, and also the logical thinking that goes with putting a puzzle together.
As this is my first post on my Autisable blog, I feel I should mention a little about myself. My name is Michael. I am 15 years old but only got diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome last June (2009), which obviously meant a lot of my life had already gone wrong. I shall build upon this in future blog posts (there will be a lot regarding education and social skills) to make it clearer what I mean by 'most of my life going wrong'.
I live in England (UK)...which you can probably tell by my spelling (for example, colour instead of color and soon mum instead of mom).
My main interest (call it obsession if you wish to do so) is IT/Computing/Electronics, though my passion for Doctor Who seems to be getting stronger, instead of weaker - which it should do as I get older.
I look forward to getting to know the whole Autisable community. My next post will be: Why my mum is so fantastically brilliant.
Michael
